World Cup of Football Soccer match games

I've never liked soccer. I was never cool enough to play soccer. I was never athletic enough to play soccer. Why watch or play soccer when there's hard-hitting, high-scoring American football to watch?

I'm changing my tune these days. I've made a commitment to be a soccer fan throughout this 2010 World Cup. I'm trying to understand the game and all its weird rules. So, here's a list of things I like about soccer, things I don't like, and ways I would improve the game.

Things I don't like:

1. The fact that the officials can penalize a team for something... and not even have to tell the team WHAT for. Case and point - USA v. Slovenia. Are you freaking kidding me?

2. The acting. Because they give officials so much power, whenever a player hits the ground they have to whine and cry and grab their face and pretend to be more injured than they've ever been. Dumb.

3. The low scoring. I know, I know, it's just the nature of the game. And I am learning to appreciate the little things (takeaways, good passes, etc.) instead of focusing solely on goals.

Things I like:

1. Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin... I like how the clock just runs. You will not have to watch commercials until half time. That's pretty rad. It also speaks to the athleticism of the players that they have to continue playing for 45 mintues!

2. The globality (new word) of it. I'm a huge fan of the olympics because it brings the world together. For those three weeks, most of the world's attention is focused on the games. I always dismissed the World cup. But, soccer truly is a global game that brings hooligans from all parts of the world together.

3. The simplicity of the game. Kick the ball into the goal. Easier said than done, but that's how you win. Done.

Ways I would improve soccer:

1. Coat the ball in bacon grease and periodically release a pack of dogs onto the field.

2. Have "hotspots" like in NBA Jam. If you score from the small circle with a 3 on it, you get three points instead of one.

3. Flaming soccer ball.

Those are just a few of the ways soccer would be more interesting. I think FIFA will have no problem implementing those simple suggestions.

Go USA!